Washington has a law against abandoning refrigerators, but nothing about leaving kids alone at home.
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Free Range Kids
Lenore Skenazy has been called “America’s worst mom.”
She earned that title from national TV news shows by letting her 9-year-old son ride a New York subway train all by himself (gasp).
He’d been wanting a chance to do something on his own. He specifically asked his parents to “take me some place and leave me there because I want to find my way back home.” Skenazy talked it over with her husband, and they decided to give him a chance.
She dropped him off at Bloomingdale’s in mid-town Manhattan with a subway map, some quarters, a $20 bill and a ride card to pay for transportation. She didn’t follow him, she didn’t call him – he didn’t have a cell phone – she just waited for him to come home. He did. He was fine and excited by his accomplishment.
Skenazy, a features reporter and columnist, wrote about her son’s solo subway ride for The New York Sun. Reader reaction was overwhelming and vicious.
“Not only did people call me a horrible mom and everything else imaginable, they also implied they wanted something bad to happen to my son because that would show me how horrible I am,” Skenazy told Seattle’s Child.
A few people encouraged Skenazy, saying what she did reminded them of something they might have done as children, but probably would never let their own kids do. That disconnect between what parents did as children and what they consider safe for their own kids is the basis for her blog and book, Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry.
“There are books out there that say your kid will be a stunted gnome if you don’t give them more freedom, and will call you from college 20 times a day saying ‘should I have the muffin or should I have toast?’” Skenazy says. “I don’t think that’s true, but I know you only get one childhood.”
She says kids’ favorite memories are the things they do on their own – from finding a cool rock on the way home from school, to riding a bike without training wheels. That’s how they develop self-confidence and self-esteem.
“It’s not mommy-assisted-confidence or parentally-boosted-esteem,” she says. “To be competent in the world, you have to do something in the world. And as parents, we need to give our kids a little more free range.”
To read about the 9-year-old-on-the-subway controversy, go to www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23935873/from/ET, read Skenazy’s Free Range Kids blog at freerangekids.wordpress.com, or listen to a recent National Public Radio report about whether your tween is ready to stay home alone at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=103739038.
An informal survey of my middle school mom friends finds we all leave our kids home alone far more than we ever imagined we would. Even my elementary school mom pals have done it.
“I feel a little bit guilty every time,” says Kelly, who was so worried she’d be judged for occasionally leaving her 10-year-old son at home alone that she asked me not to use her real name. “I make sure my son knows the rules about not answering the door and calling a neighbor if something goes wrong. Still, I worry.”
Kelly recalls one of the snow days earlier this year when she had to be at work and her child care arrangement fell through. She left her son at home by himself for a couple of hours.
“This summer I anticipate he’ll be on his own a few more times,” Kelly says. “He handles it well. That’s OK, isn’t it?”
It’s a simple question – when is it OK to leave your child at home? – but there’s no definitive answer.
Some states, including Oregon, Maryland and Illinois, have a minimum age for leaving a child unsupervised. In Oregon, it could be considered child neglect to leave anyone under the age of 10 unsupervised. Maryland sets the age at 8. Illinois has the most specific law, which says children under the age of 14 could be considered neglected if they are left alone for “an unreasonable period of time.” What’s unreasonable? The Illinois Juvenile Court Act of 1987 lists 15 factors that narrow down what that means – including how far away the parents are and weather conditions at the time.
Washington state law regarding leaving children unattended is interesting. It’s illegal to leave a child under the age of 12 in a parked car alone while entering a tavern. As written, the law applies only to taverns, but if someone thinks a child’s well-being is in danger in a parked car, the person can file a child neglect complaint regardless of where the car is parked. You also can’t leave someone younger than 16 alone in a parked car with the engine running. Washington has a law against abandoning refrigerators, but nothing about leaving kids alone at home.
Although the common recommendation is that children under 12 should not be left alone, it might be best that a minimum age is not specified by law. Seattle Police Officer Mark Jamieson says it’s difficult to pick an age because there will always be some kids who aren’t mature enough to look after themselves and others who are younger and would be fine.
“I know some 16-year-olds who shouldn’t be home alone,” Jamieson says. “Of course little kids should never be unsupervised. When they become 11, 12, and 13, it’s a judgment call on the part of the parents or caretakers.”
From my experience and various sources, I’ve compiled a list of questions to answer before you leave a child alone. I don’t think kids under age 10 should be on their own, so these are my 10 x 10 guidelines:
10 Questions to Answer Before Your Child (age 10 or older) Stays Home Alone:
1. Have you seen how your child reacts in an emergency? 2. Have you asked your child how he feels about being alone in the house? 3. Do you have reliable, trustworthy neighbors who will be home if there’s a problem? 4. Does your child have the basics down – knowing her address and phone number, when and how to call 911, and home safety rules? 5. Do you have a policy about whether your child should answer the door or the phone? 6. Have you given your child specific suggestions about what to do while you’re gone, and is it clear what he can’t do (i.e., using appliances or taking a shower)? 7. Are important numbers posted in a place where your child can find them? 8. Can your child reach you by phone, no matter where you’ll be, and will you be able to call to check on your child? 9. Does your child follow your instructions, and can you count on her to tell you the truth? 10. Have you practiced leaving your child alone for a short amount of time?
If you answer “no” to any of these questions, then maybe the answer about whether you should leave a son or daughter home alone is also no. Or at least, not yet.
Linda Thomas is a freelance broadcast and print journalist in Seattle. To share your rules or questions about leaving kids home alone, post a comment on our Web site by clicking on “Start an online conversation” at the end of Linda’s story, or write her directly at linda@lindathomas.com.
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Editor's Note: This story has been updated since it was first published in our June magazine to correct that Washington law prohibits leaving children younger than 16 (not 16 or younger as we first reported) alone in a parked car with the engine running.
