On the day of her youngest daughter’s birthday party, Seattle mom Makeba Greene was out picking up the cake and taking a moment to relax before returning home — that is, until party guests began texting her, asking where she was. Greene had forgotten what time the party started and also couldn’t find the invitation to confirm the details.
By the time Greene and her daughter rushed home, the guests had already been waiting for a half-hour. Though Greene can laugh about the story now, she was mortified in the moment.
If you’re a mother in midlife, you can likely relate to what Greene described as perimenopausal brain fog, thanks to fluctuating estrogen levels that define this stage before menopause. Other common symptoms of perimenopause include irregular periods, hot flashes, insomnia, night sweats, and vaginal dryness.
According to the Mayo Clinic, perimenopause typically begins in a woman’s 40s and lasts about four years, but can span between two to 10. If perimenopause isn’t taxing enough on its own, it’s not uncommon for women in perimenopause to be parenting kids going through puberty, according to Dr. Ashley Fuller, a Seattle-based gynecologist.
“A big part of my role during puberty is to be a steady landing place for my kids, but I don’t feel very steady these days,” Greene said. “It feels like we are all going through different forms of puberty together, and my hormone-induced mood swings do not always enable me to model the emotional regulation of a well-adjusted adult.”
Giving Perimenopause Center Stage
Until recently, perimenopause and menopause were barely discussed. Now, there’s a cultural and generational shift fueled by social media and increased awareness and education, Fuller said. Projects like “The (M) Factor,” a 2024 documentary on menopause (read our review here), sparked a follow-up film on perimenopause, “Before the Pause,” currently being screened around the nation. A four-part docuseries called “BALANCE: A Perimenopause Journey,” released in January, follows two monk-filmmakers’ examination of perimenopause.
Humor also has become part of the movement. Friends are exchanging memes and confessions of perimenopause snafus. In “The Official We Do Not Care Club Handbook,” influencer and author Melani Sanders shares a blunt letter to her family about how perimenopause has transformed her inside and out. She explains why she no longer is giving into the weight of expectations and perfection.
To her readers, she writes, “Let’s help the next generation normalize the reality of our bodies being far from perfect and pleasant. We dealt with every one of their fluids, odors, and emissions with tender loving care. I feel like they can buck up and deal with ours.”
(Image courtesy Surej Kalathil Sunman Media)
Permission for Self-Care
For women to be their best selves, especially during perimenopause and even more so as a parent, Fuller said women need to be gentle with themselves.
“Puberty is our ovaries coming online, and perimenopause is our ovaries going offline, and it’s not always smooth sailing,” said Fuller. “We see our teenagers and pre-teens going through this and how it affects their moods — their skin, sleep, all the things. And we’re actually doing something really similar, but going the opposite direction with it. So have some grace.”
Having family members at both ends of the spectrum can make for tumultuous family dynamics, Fuller added, especially in households where mothers set the tone. Among families with two mothers, both parents may be simultaneously experiencing their own perimenopause journey — with different symptoms and timetables.
Self-care is a must, Fuller emphasized. This includes exercising, carving out time for yourself, and getting a good night’s sleep, which affects mood, weight, brain fog, and libido.
“Women hold the mental load, the management of so many things — our kids, careers, partners, aging parents,” she said. “We always put ourselves last. As a mom, it’s hard to find that balance, but it’s really important to. When our kids, especially our daughters, see us prioritizing [ourselves], that’s a good message for them, of self-care and looking for what you need to be able to thrive.”
Communication with kids and partners also is key. They may be oblivious to perimenopause, so bring them up to speed. Tell them what it is and how you’re experiencing it. As Greene navigates perimenopause while parenting daughters in puberty, being transparent about her own hormonal changes encourages gentleness and empathy on both sides.
“Hormone changes can make you feel out of control in your own body, which is a terrible experience for all of us,” Greene said. “While we can’t always control everything happening to our bodies, it can really help to just learn how to observe our bodies and be aware of what we’re feeling. It’s also important to cry! I cry a lot in front of my kids.”
With hormonal rollercoasters in full swing, the household may feel unsteady and unpredictable, unsure of which version of mom they’ll encounter. But with increased grace and communication — plus lubricant and hand-held fans — families can ride out the new season together.
