Operation Metro Surge, ICE’s campaign in Minnesota, resulted in the detention of 4,000 people. While Seattleites have yet to deal with a paramilitary campaign of that scale, immigration enforcement has stepped up in our area, and ICE has recently begun buying large warehouses throughout the United States to build large-scale detention centers.
In other words, ICE isn’t going anywhere, and we don’t quite know what’s coming next. So how do we talk to our kids about a government agency that detains children, separates families, and kills protestors in the streets?
We spoke to Brecca Smith, a therapist and child/infant mental health specialist, and Amelia Bolyard, a children’s embodiment coach, about how we find a balance between shielding our kids and preparing them. They both emphasized that the best we can do as parents in a time of uncertainty is to prepare our children to meet potentially traumatic experiences with resilience.
Smith said that in all cases, it is important for adults to show up for their kids as “the bigger, stronger, more responsible person. It creates relational safety even when there is no physical safety.” Bolyard emphasized emotional expression as a basis for resilience, especially for families that are at risk of being affected by ICE’s tactics.
Bolyard described some basic principles for talking to kids of all ages.
Choose a Calm Moment to Talk: Children take in information best when their nervous systems feel safe. The calmer they are, the better your chance of conveying whatever information you want to share with them. If the child changes the subject, they are likely overwhelmed. Give them time to calm down before you bring the topic up again.
Pause Often: Children process information much more slowly than adults. They need long pauses. Give them lots of space and quiet, and use fewer words the younger they are.
Allow Space for Feelings: Allowing your child to scream, cry, growl, stomp, dance, and otherwise express their strong feelings is how you create resilience if they do have a scary encounter with ICE later on. If you can give the child an experience of feeling understood “prior to the trauma, prior to the unforeseen, they have a better chance of showing up with resilience,” said Bolyard.
Model Emotional Self-Care: These conversations might bring up strong feelings of anger or grief for parents. Bolyard said you can model how you care for yourself when these feelings arise. Narrating your actions helps your child know that you are still in control. If you need to cry, explain that to your child. Afterward, let them know that crying helped you feel better. Smith added that if you are feeling completely overwhelmed by emotions, it is best to give yourself space to feel that overwhelm away from your child, and to always reassure your child that they did not cause those feelings.
Create Rituals: Bolyard suggested that if you are worried about being separated from your child due to ICE enforcement, or if your child is, start creating rituals now. Give your child ways to love you and feel your love from a distance, like mentally sending each other images of hearts, flowers, or trucks while your child is at daycare, or coming up with a special song to sing for each other when you’re apart.
How to talk to kids about ICE at different ages
Children process difficult information very differently depending on their developmental stage. Here are some of Bolyard and Smith’s recommendations for talking about immigration enforcement with kids of different ages.
Ages 1-3
At this age, do as much as you can to give children a sense of safety, “as much safety as you can truthfully promise.” Keep details vague, Smith said, for example, saying something like “Mama always loves you. If Mama is not home, you will stay with Grandma.” Bolyard suggested emotionally preparing vulnerable children by acting out scenarios with stuffed animals, while gauging and giving space for your child’s emotions as you play. For example, a mama bear might get separated from her baby. You can act out the parent looking for their child, and talk about how parents never give up on finding their babies. Smith added that during this play, the baby stuffed animal could go stay with another caretaker.
Ages 3-5
Smith says that, while at this age, children still need a sense of safety, we are less likely to be able to shield them from information at school or daycare. They advise to “be true, but brief,” taking your family’s risk level into consideration when deciding how much to say. Smith suggested introducing the idea of countries and of people sometimes moving to new ones. Then talk about your family’s values. For example, “In our family, we think it should be okay for people to live wherever they want to live. But some people don’t think you should be allowed to live in a country that you move to. Some of those people are part of a group called ICE, and they are trying to make people go back to countries where they are from.” Smith advised leaving out the harsher details of ICE enforcement. “Let your kids know that you are the authority on this, that you will give them information, that you will talk with them, and ask them […] what’s happening at daycare, what are kids talking about. Let them know ‘you can come to me and I will verify things.’”
Smith also suggested checking in frequently with teachers about what kids are saying at school.
Ages 5-10
After kids turn five, Smith said, proactively talk to them about ICE enforcement. Name injustice and realistic fears. Describe systems to children, with more detail than the 3-5 year old set, and describe your family’s values. “Name what’s unfair, what’s happening that you don’t think should happen. Name the wish that you have for the world,” said Smith. Depending on your risk level, describe how your family is going to try to keep yourselves safe. If kids are worried about friends, describe ways that people generally keep themselves safe and how your family can help your child’s friends and community.
To emotionally prepare your child for a possible encounter with ICE, Bolyard advised to “create safety by being lighthearted.” Always start with questions. For example: “What would you want me to do if you were attacked by a tiger?” During this conversation, don’t make promises that you might not be able to keep in reality. “I’m going to try to get to you as fast as the fastest rocket in the universe because I know the most important thing in that moment is that I get to you, but I might only be as fast as the fastest train,” Bolyard said as an example. Make it clear that if separated, you will never stop looking for your child.
Teens
Depending on your family’s values, said Smith, teenagers can start taking action, like attending protests or rapid-response trainings, based on your family’s risk tolerance. Ask your teenager questions about what they are hearing and seeing, and help them to start building media literacy by asking where they got their information and if it was reported in more than one place. Support your teenager in building boundaries around media and screens to protect their mental health. Explain that the goal is to “stay regulated, so that we can respond when we’re needed.”
As with younger kids, give a plan when you can’t promise safety. Smith says older kids might hear about people getting shot and might ask, “What would happen if you were shot?” Let your child know what you are doing to keep yourself safe and what the plan would be if anything were to happen to you.
