I first understood I had a problem in first grade, when reading and writing first began being taught in earnest. I felt terrible at the time. I remember my teacher getting quite frustrated with me because I could never figure how to spell simple words like “because,” and I couldn’t read out loud without making everyone feel uncomfortable.
Reading and writing were stressful from that very beginning, but it wasn’t until third grade that my inability to read well and spell made me feel embarrassed. In third grade, I was put in a special English class – a move that felt humiliating. I did not tell the other kids where I went during English, and I did not feel I was making great progress. I do remember it was somewhat comforting to find that I wasn’t alone. Here were other kids that had the same issue.
Dyslexia, for me, affects both my reading and writing. I read at a very high level – if slower than other people my age – and I have a notable vocabulary. But I can’t spell for the life of me, and even when I see proper spelling, I have a hard time retaining it. It is incredibly difficult for me to learn to spell some words, and it is nearly impossible for me to remember how to spell others. When I read or write, letters sometimes get jumbled together. I spell how things exactly how they sound. I reverse letters, and sometimes I leave them out all together, especially if they are silent. I usually can’t tell the difference between a correctly spelled word and an incorrectly spelled one; my mind just doesn’t register any difference. All I know is that it looks about right.
When it comes to reading, I see words based on the first three or four letters. Basically, I’m subconsciously guessing at words instead of what’s actually there. I notice this most when I read out loud. It sometimes feels like words are playing tricks on me, that they might disappear, or say one thing one minute then morph into another word all together on the second look. This is so frustrating I sometimes have to have someone read it for me. Letter and number flipping is a big problem for me. Mirror letters like b, d, p, 3 and m are particularly difficult. I see their shape, I know their shape, but the direction of that shape does not always register right the first time.
For most of my school years, my parents, friends and teachers have teased me jokingly about my terrible spelling. My mom likes to say, “I don’t understand how two journalists could bear a bad speller!” Their teasing doesn’t bother me, as I joke about it regularly myself. I know they accept me as I am. Admittedly, it’s kind of funny if I say “fudge” instead of “funding.”
Sometimes people will make a comment like, “What are you, like, dyslexic or something?”
I say, “Yes.” I know they feel bad, as if they have offended me somehow. But I am not offended. I can’t spell for squat. I am quite aware of it, and I pity those who have to correct my work! I will say that having a computer to use at school and having spell-check has been my savior.
I have not had special treatment or training for my dyslexia since I entered middle school. Unfortunately, special education services for this age through high school are poorly funded, and I have learned to get by. I feel this way about it: ultimately life and employers will not treat me differently because I am dyslexic, so it makes sense to me that teachers shouldn’t either. I have to work a little harder than other kids. That’s how it’s been for long enough that it’s just normal for me. I have not let dyslexia hold me back in the slightest: since middle school I have always taken advanced English classes, honors classes and now in 11th grade, Advance Placement classes. It is simply the cognitive reading and writing skills I lack. I have an expansive vocabulary, a mind that understands logic, and the perceptive skills of any other student. It’s just sometimes hard for me to spell them right.
It’s true I can’t always tell how something should be spelled, and homophones like “to and too” really are impossible. But I don’t blame the words or teachers or anybody else when I get docked for getting it wrong. I am dyslexic, therefore dyslexia is me. I see it as my fault when I spell things wrong, failed to double check or look it up and get points deducted. I accept responsibility for myself. But I will say I’ve got great friends who help me a lot. They are always willing to read things to me, check my work, re-check my work. And they are always good humored about it, never judging.
I believe you shouldn’t use a challenge or a diagnosis as an excuse to fail. All it is is that, a challenge or a diagnosis. A diagnosis is really just an outside perspective on how our brains work. I believe even with dyslexia, if I decide that I’m going to do good in school, that I am going to listen and that I am going to meticulously check my work over and over until I am sure it is correct, then I will succeed. If you get frustrated and mad at yourself and lean on dyslexia like a crutch, it’s a recipe for failure, pure and simple. Dyslexia is just a difference in ability that I must learn to adapt to and accommodate in a world where most people aren’t dyslexic.
I am looking forward to college. I want to be a midwife. I have goals and dreams. I don’t know what the future will truly hold, but I but I assume I will meet my goals by doing what I am doing now.
Which is working hard. Very hard.
