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How to talk to neurodiverse kids about sex

Renowned sexuality educator Amy Lang, MA offers resources for parents

Oh, how I wish we had had a class on talking to a child with autism (or any neurodivergency) about sexuality when my kid was hitting puberty.

We had so many questions.

What was he feeling? What was he thinking? He often blurted out exactly what was on his mind; would he offend someone? If he commented on a a girlā€™s bustline, loudly and in public, as he did at age 10, could he be accused of sexual harassment? Would he understand ā€œno means noā€ in a sexual situation? Would someone take advantage of his willingness to simply ā€œgo alongā€? Despite our explanations, would he understand and take action to protect himself?Ā 

Sexuality educator Amy Lang, MA, says our questions were not unique. Parents tell her they are worried that their neurodivergent kids will be taken advantage of and that talking to them about sex might make increase that possibility.Ā  They worry their kids wonā€™t be able to understand consent, healthy relationships, and sexuality because they struggle with abstract ideas and may inappropriately approach someone. Some believe their tweens and teens are not really interested in relationships or sex ā€” yet.Ā 

“Most parents worry about these things to one degree or another,” she said. But, she adds, “Pretty much every study shows that consistent conversations about sex, relationships, consent, bodies, puberty, and more, with parents are protective.”

Resources for parentsĀ 

If you have questions about how to help a neurodivergent child begin to understand sexuality, Lang has answers for you. A renowned Seattle-based sexual health educator and counselor, author, and speaker, she is is offering a free online class this week on just that topic.Ā 

More and more

Lang created the class after hearing from more and more parents of kids with autism, ADHD and other brain differences. But when she looked she found very little information.Ā 

ā€œWhen parents kept asking me how to talk to their neurodivergent kids about sex, I discovered there were no specific resources out there for parents of kids ages four to 12,ā€ Lang said. ā€œThis is the most important time for kids to get this essential information.ā€Ā 

In response, Lang, a 25-year veteran of sexuality education and owner of Birds + Bees + Kids, became certified in the area ofĀ  neurodiversity and sexuality education. Her class is built on research, insights from a parent focus group, and feedback from neurodiverse people.Ā 

Make it a sex positive talk

For too long, she says, the focus of sexuality education was focused on prevention and abstinence.Ā 

Just as with neurotypical kids, Lang wants todayā€™s parents to use a sex positive approach when talking to their neurodivergent kids.Ā 

ā€œOur goal with sexuality education should be to prepare our kids for this huge part of life,” said Lang. “They are sexual beings. They have sexual feelings. They have a sexual identity.ā€

ā€œThis is part of being human and it looks different for everybody and it’s definitely going to look different for your neurodivergent kid.”

Talking protects kids

Lang says that beyond helping kids understand that their sexual feelings and experiences are normal, there are other important reasons to talk openly with neurodivergent kids about sex.Ā 

For example, neurodiverse people are at higher risk for sexual abuse than their neurotypical peers, she say. They may miss important social cues or act outside of socially acceptable boundaries. They may act impulsively, or may be more vulnerable to manipulation, especially if they donā€™t understand what’s happening in a sexual encounter or sexualized situation.

ā€œThey may not be able to read the room when it comes to making comments about people or body boundaries,ā€ Lang said. ā€œThey can get in trouble because they donā€™t understand why they canā€™t just say or do something because it seems like itā€™s OK to them.ā€

Further, kids who are at a developmentally younger age may hear their peers talking about sex and feel confused or ā€œgo along to get alongā€ without really understanding whatā€™s happening.

What will the discussion cover?

Among other topics, Lang will debunk myths about sexuality and disability, discuss how to talk to kids about phrases they hear but donā€™t understand, discuss learning styles, and offer ideas on how to help kids understand words like ā€œconsent.ā€Ā 

ā€œTo consent is to agree,ā€ she said. Most kids will understand the word ā€œagreeā€ so she suggests using that word to help them understand the rules around consent.Ā 

Useful tips for talking

Lang uses a Q & A format to be sure to address parentsā€™ top concerns. She also provides participants with resources to help them with conversations. Here are some of Langā€™s tips:

  • Speak to your childā€™s cognitive level.Ā 
  • Keep conversations on sex short ā€“ offer information in chunks. ā€œGenerally speaking, talks with neurodivergent kids need to be short, concrete, and repeated more frequently than for neurotypical kids.ā€Ā 
  • Offer step-by-step information (For example: First you check the condom expiration, then you open it, then you roll it on, and so on).
  • Keep the information you provide factual and logical
  • Ā Role-playing can be helpful, as well as using examples that are not related to sex and relationships.Ā 
  • Donā€™t use euphemisms when discussing sex or sexuality.
  • Talk about having sex, not ā€œmaking love.ā€
  • Be patient with yourself. You are learning how to talk about this subject and youā€™ll need to try different approaches.
  • Be patient with your child. Try multiple ways to talk to them.Ā 
  • Cover the ā€œwhyā€ as well as the ā€œwhat.ā€ For example: Use condoms because it will keep you safe. Hereā€™s exactly how you use a condom.
  • Warn them you want to talk about a sexual topic. Set a timer. And let them know they donā€™t need to respond.
  • Still, always check for understanding. ā€œWhat do you think?ā€ ā€œThoughts or questions?ā€
  • Avoid eye contact.
  • Donā€™t make a big event out of The Talk
  • Use in-moment opportunities to talk about things. Watching a movie, a couple kisses, perhaps thatā€™s a good moment to talk about kissing.
  • Be prepared to repeat yourself. ā€œYou may have to have the condom conversation four times (at different ages).ā€
  • Remember, you know how your child learns best.Ā 

We did OK after all

We didnā€™t have Langā€™s guidance when our son was ready for information about sex, but I am happy to report we muddled through multiple conversations with good humor, facts, nary a euphemism, and lots of patience ā€“ for him and ourselves. We kept conversations short but made sure he understood the rules around consent (agree would have worked better!), protection from disease and pregnancy, and how to treat a girl with respect, tenderness, and courtesy. We fielded his queries about phrases or words he heard at school like pro players. We encouraged him to come to us any time with any question, which he did for the first year of his first relationship at age 16.

Itā€™s not every son who comes running into his momā€™s office at age 17 and says ā€œI just had sex and it was AWESOME!ā€Ā 

But, as that mom, I am so grateful to have won his trust and proud that we made use of quite a few of Langā€™s tips to keep our kid safe and move him forward into an adult life that includes healthy sexuality.

About the Author

Cheryl Murfin

Cheryl Murfin is managing editor at Seattle's Child. She is also a certified doula, lactation educator for NestingInstinctsSeattle.com and a certified AWA writing workshop facilitator at Compasswriters.com.