There’s a lot going on in the world today. Our news is full of difficult topics. Things that are hard for us to deal with as adults. What’s a kid to make of all of this? And how can parents help kids understand and cope?
We talked it through with Dr. Ashok Shimoji-Krishnan, a clinical psychiatrist for children and adolescents at Kaiser Permanente Capitol Hill Medical Center, and came away feeling a lot better.
A few main points: Figure out what your kid knows and wants to know, talk about it in ways they can understand (and that aren’t terrifying), and emphasize accuracy.
Before you dive too deeply into discussion, it’s helpful to assess your child’s existing level of knowledge and how much more they want to know, says Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan.
When a difficult topic is in the news, it’s possible your child doesn’t know about it or isn’t interested. But keep an eye on them: If they’re unusually quiet or seem a little “off,” maybe current events are affecting them in ways they aren’t even expressing.
“We don’t always know what’s on kids’ minds,” says Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan.
Start with a simple, casual question, maybe: “Hey, are you OK?”
“A good place to start is to give them an opening to verbally download,” he said. Then you can find out what, if anything, you need to talk about.
When discussing an upsetting topic like war, Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan broke the strategies down by age: elementary school-age vs. middle- and high-school-age.
How to talk to elementary-age kids about war
For younger kids, in particular, this might be their first exposure to war, and it can be a scary, sad concept. They might be really shocked to learn that, in wartime, places get damaged, and people are hurt. People of all ages are impacted by war, including kids, and it can be especially hard for our little ones to process the realities of war if it’s the first time it’s crossed their radar.
Kids might be comforted to know that war is usually an option of last resort, and that once a war starts, people are working hard to end it.
It might be difficult for a sensitive child to reconcile what kids in the Middle East are suffering while we are safe at home.
Talking about the war could prompt a discussion about your own personal safety, even though we’re far from the war zone. You could talk about how your family would react to a fire, natural disaster, or other emergency: where you would go, how you would communicate, and stay safe.
Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan adds, though: If your child is prone to anxiety, you might avoid this extra step.
How to talk to teens about difficult world events
Older kids are more likely to have at least heard something, maybe even in a class. Find out what they know, what they think, what they’re wondering.
Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan advises using neutral language to the extent possible and avoiding a sugar-coated or overly pessimistic view of the world. Kids (even teens) take their cues from us.
“We can color how our kids view the world,” Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan says, by injecting hope and optimism into the conversation where possible and appropriate (peace talks, relief efforts, etc.): “Acknowledge the awful, push for the good.”
In addition to keeping discussions age-appropriate, keep them accurate. The more credible your children think you are on topics like this, the more they will continue to come to you to discuss these issues.
This work:
- Helps your child learn how to ask questions, conduct research, and find legitimate, trustworthy sources of information.
- Sends the message that you, their parent, are willing to help, that it’s OK to not know everything, and that there are resources for educating yourself.
“Not everyone knows everything, not even parents,” quipped Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan. (Of course, by the teen years, your child likely has already acknowledged, maybe even gloated over, your shortcomings.)
This is also a good moment to note which news sites or social media your kids might be using, and it could be a time to talk about accuracy and bias.
Speaking of that, it’s OK to discuss the fact that not everyone has the same opinion on the war, and to state your own views, but try not to let passions get in the way of facts. This can be a good opportunity to also ask your teen what their views are on the war and help them learn to argue in a compelling way.
Signs your child may be struggling
A child who seems sad, stressed, withdrawn, or aggressive clearly has something on their mind. It might be the war, or something else. Other red flags include regressing in behavior or skills, having headaches, stomachaches, nightmares, or separation anxiety. Reach out to a health care provider if the symptoms persist or you are unable to comfort your child.
This post is sponsored by Kaiser Permanente Washington.
