Thanksgiving is the best! Friends, family and loads of good food. There’s lots to love, but there’s also an overlooked holiday bonus: It’s a lovely opportunity to talk with your kids about all the beautiful ways people can form a family.
When we gather with generations of family and friends, we’re likely to spend time with families that look different than our own. It’s natural for kids to be curious about differences and as parents, we can help them learn the skills to embrace different and diverse families with respect.
A lot of the time, kids are good at passing over differences without a thought, they just want to get to the pie please. But spending time with families different from yours can also bring up questions and curiosity. It can make kids uncomfortable or afraid, and sometimes parents too. The holidays are also a time that changes in your own family like divorce or loss and grief can feel more visible.
Parents can help their kids understand that families can be any kind of shapes or combinations, like a single parent, two moms or divorced co-parents, or they might have a child with special needs or be a family with different ethnicities or cultures.
Let them know that what loving families all have in common is that they care for each other, just like you care for them.
Tips for talking to your kids about families
Fill them in ahead of time. How much you fill them in depends on your child’s age and maturity, but just a little info can help kids process the world. Simply state the facts “Maria has two moms, and they love her very much,” or “Families can look different and it’s fine to be curious.”
There are a lot of examples of diverse or different families in books and videos you can share with your child to open up conversation and questions they may have.
Answer your child’s questions. Often kids are just looking for information, “Why and how is this family different than mine?” If you are unsure how to answer, you can say, “You’re really curious, let me see if I can find out more and we can talk later.” Do get back to them, pulling away from a topic can send a caution message and that they shouldn’t be curious or connect with this family.
You can also ask other families if it’s OK to ask questions. If your family is getting the questions, set expectations and boundaries about what you feel comfortable talking about and let your children know they can refer questions from kids and adults to you if they are uncomfortable or unsure.
Love and feelings
Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Listen to their concerns or feelings and let them know you understand why they might feel confused or curious. If your family or others you spend time with are going through transitions like divorce or grief, holiday gatherings can bring up fear for kids, “What would happen to me if you went away?” Reassure them that they are loved and safe and listen to your child’s fears or worries. A hug goes a long way to helping your child cope with those feelings!
Focus on loving families. Most kids just want to know they are safe and that others are safe too. Ask about your child’s worries or fears and let them know that all kinds of loving families nurture and care for each other. If your child is coping with loss like divorce or grieving a loved one, acknowledge those losses and focus on the love around them.
Manage your own feelings. Kids take cues from us. If you’re uncomfortable with how a family is different or are feeling upset about a breakup among friends for example, you can still reduce stress and worry for your kids by listening and answering questions calmly and reassuring them.
Emphasize respect and kindness
Conversations about different families can also sometimes lead to conversations like the birds and the bees, sexuality and gender. It’s going to come up sometime! This can be a good opportunity to answer those questions as well as you can at an age appropriate level. If you’re unsure how to talk about an issue you can find resources online, from community members, or from your pediatrician.
Showing your child how to treat other people with respect and kindness will help them navigate the world, help them build positive coping skills and celebrate the differences in our lives.
