It is not news to anyone that parenting is hard. The recent U.S. Surgeon General’s report “Parents Under Pressure” says that about 41% of the country’s 63 million parents with kids under the age of 18 feel so much parenting stress they find it hard to function. This report is validating, albeit depressing.
There is no way around the fact that parts of parenting are just drudgery and certain stages feel particularly taxing. For some, the non-stop physical work of parenting through younger childhood is the hardest, while for others, the psychological negotiation and fuzzy risk calculations of adolescence are the worst. While we work toward restructuring society to be more supportive of families (please don’t forget to vote), what micro-moves might make things just a bit easier for us parents?
Do try this at home
Here’s one formula: No matter the age of your children, start with something revolutionary: Do what sounds good to you!
If an activity makes you feel comforted, energized, nostalgic, or even happy, that’s a good sign. If it makes you feel dread, tired, and guilty, it’s not worth it. Activities during which one is consciously or unconsciously tallying your “good parent points”? A clear energy zap.
It’s easy to feel like a fun-averse grinch when you’re tired, but it turns out we parents also have our limits. Accepting that is an important step. I have come to admit, for example, that I love to cook. . .alone. My kids know by now that proposing a cooking project is generally not gonna fly when I’m run down. They know the chances of approval correlate with mom’s mood.
Finding genuinely enjoyable activities was a game changer for me in parenting. I have never been a “play on the floor with my kids” kind of mom. I finished my pediatric residency, working 80 hours a week, when my daughter was 18 months old. And when I had my son a year and a half later, the need for replenishing vs. depleting parenting was even more critical.
Find your unique venting valves
As with many aspects of parenting, it took me some time to find what uniquely worked for me. Recreation-wise, I slept a lot with my kids. But when we needed to get out, and I had little in reserve, we would settle in at bookstores or libraries, often combined with getting food that I liked, ideally at happy hour prices.
Options for low-power mode parenting
Here are a few stress-reducing suggestions that have worked for me—because decision fatigue is also real. If something on this list makes you cringe, skip it. No shoulds allowed.
Add water: This is one of my favorite parenting hacks. Whether it means getting out in the rain, throwing the kids (or yourself) in a bath, or pouring yourself a glass, H2O can add vital refreshment.
Get cozy: When my kids were younger, they would bring me my favorite books to read out loud when they knew I was tired. All The World by Liz Garton Scanlon was one of our best-loved.
Listening to the right audiobook or podcast can also add a relaxing vibe. Stockard Channing narrating The Ramona Quimby series is a timeless classic. Meryl Streep narrating The Velveteen Rabbit has stayed on our bedtime listening rotation for a decade!
Tidy: Do high-yield cleaning and let kids help, for example, by doing a load of laundry with just towels, sweeping or vacuuming low-hanging fruit, or matching socks and sticking them in a box by the front door for easy access. (Or be like my family and abandon the goal of matched socks.)
And speaking of revolution, check out How to Do Laundry While Drowning by KC Davis or her website strugglecare.com for a refreshing approach to “care tasks.”
Give: Changing heartbreak to action is a way to compost energy-draining despair. My kids and I, like all of us, feel sad and helpless when we encounter folks down on their luck or asking for money. A few years ago, we started making “homeless bags” containing bars, hand warmers, and socks. We keep them in the car to distribute. Each time we give one out it gives us all a boost.
Move: Put on music and dance it out. Set a precedent young for car rides: Driver gets first dibs on music selection.
Outside the car, Cosmic Kids Yoga on YouTube can be a relaxing way to be physical with your kids. Remember, taking a Shavasana is yoga.
Or, consider getting your hands on an old-fashioned Wii for active fun with older kids.
Fresh air: If you feel up for a low-key outing, consider exploring a beach, checking out the Seattle PlayGarden, or hunting down the troll at Lincoln Park (or four other Thomas Dambo trolls in Puget Sound).
Even walking around the block can do wonders for the family’s mood. Or, if you can’t summon the energy to get your party out the door, crack some windows and let the fresh air come to you!
Watch something: As with books, if there are certain family shows and movies that you yourself actually like – choose those on hard days. The Common Sense Media website is a good place to start when looking for worthy entertainment that will work for everyone.
If you have the bandwidth to go to a theater, check out the Landmark Crest Cinema in Shoreline, which is more family budget-friendly (adults $11, kids/students/seniors $9, members $6 on Tuesdays) and has daytime viewings. You’ve really arrived in parenting when you can go to one show, and your kids can go to another in the same theater.
What is actually going to refill your cup?
Lists of ideas are nice but what will actually move the needle on our daily experience in parenting? The fact is, we are all overstimulated; therefore, slowing down, even for activities we enjoy, can initially make us feel uncomfortable. Pushing through the discomfort, however, is key to valuing nourishing presence over multitasking. In other words, put down the phone and ride out the dopamine withdrawal.
A final aspect of lightening our load that doesn’t cost more money or time but can make a profound difference is shifting your inner voice away from self-criticism and towards self-compassion. Nothing drains our battery as parents more than feeling like we aren’t living up to unattainable standards.
Perhaps have a mantra that you can tell yourself in these times: I am doing my best, and that is enough.
Wishing you moments of ease.
Read more:
Dr. Sarah Bergman Lewis on how to avoid fear-based parenting
Caring for your sick child: free online expert Q & A
