How do you bear the unbearable?
How do you carry the uncarryable?
Cause it is too much
It’s really too much
— Anna Palfreeman, “Too Much”
Cancer is not a word a parent expects to hear after their 4-year-old child tells them their leg hurts.
“Leg pain … that’s all it was,” said Seattle mom and singer-songwriter Anna Palfreeman. “No one expects this.”
Palfreeman’s son Emerson was diagnosed with leukemia in December 2023. He was immediately checked into Seattle Children’s Hospital to start “frontline” treatment — that’s the initial treatment a cancer patient receives, usually aimed at reducing a tumor or cancer cells.
During that long week, Palfreeman and her husband stayed in the hospital with Emerson, while their then-7-year-old daughter, Cassidy, stayed with family.
Finding the words
“During Emerson’s first dose of chemo, I felt very, I don’t know the words, overwhelmed, heartbroken … I knew there would be so many more doses of chemo,” Palfreeman said. At one point, she went to the hospital’s seventh-floor chapel to play the piano.
“I did that a lot of times throughout the week,” she said. “I would go and kind of hide out.”
During a chapel break, Palfreeman wrote “Too Much,” a song that captured the feelings that she hadn’t been able to express about her son’s illness. Despite its hard questioning, the song gave her a sense of solace.
How do you fathom the unfathomable?
How do you walk the untraceable?
Cause it is too much
It’s really too much
It is too much
It’s really too much
Sometimes I forget for just a minute
For just a minute I forget
“There’s something about that song that was profound for me,” said Palfreeman. “It was as if I needed to listen to it over and over again. And I’ve never really experienced feeling comforted by my own songs before.
‘Frontline’ album cover. (Image: Courtesy Anna
Writing to release the stress
“I realized that in being able to name one of the many feelings that was going on inside, it steadied me a little bit,” the artist said. “So I decided I’m gonna write, because I do not know what else to do.”
Palfreeman knew that families, especially parents, often emotionally and physically implode from the weight of loving and caring for a sick loved one. Songwriting has been a release and a comfort throughout Emerson’s ongoing treatment.
“I didn’t want to just run on fumes,” she said.
An album of healing is born
On June 20, she will release “Frontline,” a whole album about having a child in cancer treatment, at The Light Collective. The nonprofit organization is committed to creating a hope-oriented community for families of kids with cancer and hosts monthly gatherings to connect families on similar journeys. The Light Collective is a perfect release partner, Palfreeman said, as she hopes the music will give other parents struggling with hardship or suffering (due to cancer or any complex hardship) a sense of hope and connection. The event is intended for adults.
Autumn Monahan, The Light Collective board member whose child had cancer, believes it will do just that: “This album has a clear message for families facing the heartbreaking journey of childhood cancer: You are not alone.”
“I found that when Emerson was diagnosed, there was no music I could listen to,” Palfreeman said. “I didn’t know where to go, the depth of pain, suffering, big questions.
“Regardless if you come from a faith background or not, you’re going to ask all of the core questions,” she said. “Why do people suffer? What’s the purpose of all of this? Why are we here? All of the big things. And it didn’t feel like there was anything I could listen to that touched the depth of what I was feeling. And I hope that by recording it and putting it out in the world, people will have something that they can listen to — that didn’t feel trite — and feel understood.”
That first song
The album’s 11 songs follow the arc of Emerson’s treatment from his first hospitalization. While 10 songs on the album were mixed in a studio, “Too Much” is included in its original cell phone recording — a raw, honest lament that puts you in the hospital right beside a terrified mother.
Palfreeman wrote the album over the nine months of Emerson’s frontline treatment and recorded it in the spaces between doctor’s appointments, travel, school visits, and all the day-to-day management of both family life and illness.
“I would sing a take, and then take my phone off airplane mode, see that I missed a call from my son’s school nurse, teacher, or Seattle Children’s, try to manage those things, then go back in, do another take,” she said. “It was really probably the most healing thing I could have done, trying to craft something beautiful out of such a horrible experience.”
On the journey as a family
Today, Emerson is 6 years old and in maintenance treatment. He still takes chemotherapy medication daily but has returned to school. Even so, “we were at Children’s three days in a row this week,” said Palfreeman. “We’re still actively in cancer treatment.”
Palfreeman is quick to point out that a child’s cancer impacts everyone in the family, and everyone in the family has played a role in this album. Her daughter Cassidy, age 8, sings harmony in one song and plays synthesizer in others. Both kids recite a prayer at the end of a lullaby on the album.
“They’re very much a part of it,” she said. “They asked to listen to them all the time. At first, I wanted to shield them from some of the heavier songs, but for Cassidy, the darker songs are her favorite ones on the album.”
The hope that others will feel less alone
At the June 20 album release, Palfreeman will play the songs in the order she wrote them and talk about the progression of her family’s experience. She hopes her music speaks to those suffering from any situation, not just cancer.
“I hope that these songs help people find words for how it feels and, in turn, feel less alone and less crazy, especially in our extremely isolated culture,” Palfreeman said.
The artist looks forward to the day Emerson gets to ring the cancer victory bell. Patients are invited to ring the bell at the end of chemotherapy, a sound that brings hope to other patients, their families, and the staff who care for them.
“You’re just in absolute hypervigilant ‘go’ mode until the moment that your child rings the bell at the end, and then you’re just done, you just crash,” Palfreeman said. “A lot of people say that their lowest point is when their kid rings the bell, and it’s because they finally have to feel all of what just happened, make sense of it.”
The gift
She hopes that through songwriting, she has mitigated any crash she might feel when she hears her son’s bell.
“I just kept thinking, I want to feel this as much as I can as it’s coming.” That she did feel it all as it came, say those who have listened, is the beauty of “Frontline.”
“The gift of this album is that it puts words to a particular experience of suffering and fear and hope and grief, and those words become an invitation for anyone who has experienced something similar to feel known and understood,” said JJ Kissinger, executive director of The Light Collective. “Anyone who has seen childhood cancer up close will resonate with these songs.”
Album release details
Parents should note that the “Frontline” release event is not intended for kids.
- When: June 20, 7:30 p.m. (doors open at 7 p.m.)
- Where: Fremont Abbey, Seattle
- Cost: $20
- Tickets: Purchase tickets online at The Light Collective
Listen / Purchase the album: Learn more about Anna Palfreeman’s ‘Frontline’ album, listen to it, and purchase the vinyl at annapalfreeman.com/frontline. The album will also be available on most major streaming services.
