The winter holidays are coming, a season to decorate, plan events, and spend time with family.
But what if someone is missing? If your family is grieving, it probably seems hard to imagine how you’ll get through what’s supposed to be a festive time. It can be particularly difficult for children.
A chat with two experts from Mary Bridge Children’s Hospital & Health Network provided some great insight, along with tips for how and how not to approach a time full of traditions, gatherings, and expectations.
Some key takeaways for surviving the holidays: Be flexible, be honest, give yourselves space and grace, and don’t pretend that everything is OK.
Accepting every emotion
“There is no doing this well,” says Lisa Duke, a social worker and program coordinator at the Bridges Center for Grieving Children. “It can be messy to be experiencing such intense, difficult feelings.”
She says families should expect a time when they might laugh one minute and cry the next. “All of it is good. Try to accept the whole gamut of feelings.”
Let go of ‘shoulds’
Dr. Jennifer Purses urges people not to overcompensate for their loss by planning an over-the-top holiday or feeling pressure to make it “good.” In fact, try to avoid any sense of “We should be doing this” or “We’re supposed to be feeling that.”
“Don’t force yourself to feel what you’re not feeling,” says Purses, a psychiatrist who works with children, adolescents and adults. She knows it’s hard to watch kids in distress, and it’s natural to want to fix it, but with grief, you can’t. It’s better, she says, to model how to tolerate the distress and to remind kids that they’re not alone.
Handling grief with kids: A not-so-perfect holiday
As the holidays approach, Duke suggests asking kids what they want to do and considering how best to meet their needs. Decide as a family what aspects of the holiday you feel like continuing and perhaps how you can honor the loved one who has died. Aim for togetherness and connection, not perfection.
Some traditions might need to be put on hold or adjusted, but your family might feel better going ahead with a favorite meal or event, even without an important person.
Flexibility and communication are key, says Purses, when you’re in crisis and looking for anchors.
“If you’re a strong traditionalist, you’ll need to give yourself permission for things to look different,” she says, while realizing that the differences might not be forever.
Honesty and your child’s joy
Duke and Purses note that kids can have trouble grasping the finality of death, particularly before the ages of about 7 to 9. They might truly think that Grandpa will return for Christmas. They might feel confused when he doesn’t, and they’ll ask about it, perhaps repeatedly, something that can be painful for a parent who is also grieving.
That’s why it’s important to be honest about death from the beginning. Try to be clear and don’t be afraid to use the actual words, even if it’s not easy to utter “Grandpa died.” Euphemisms (gone, lost, passed) are confusing and unhelpful. Let kids know that it’s OK to be sad, it’s OK to talk about the loved one you’ve lost and – this is important – it’s OK to be happy.
In fact, sometimes it can be jarring for a parent to see a grieving child suddenly excited to dress up for a party or to see Santa.
“Kids sometimes are able to get in touch with joy more easily than grownups,” Purses explains. Duke adds that an adult, still working out their own feelings, might be confused when a child’s emotions are so variable, but “That’s all OK; it’s developmentally appropriate,” says Purses. “It’s important to be able to play.”
How to honor loved ones as a family
Don’t be afraid to say their name or express that you’re missing them. If lighting the menorah was particularly special to Aunt Elaine, acknowledge that while you’re doing it. If Uncle Bob dropped the Thanksgiving turkey one year, don’t hesitate to laugh, cry, or cringe over that memory.
Some families set a place at the meal table for the one they’ve lost; others might find that too much, but you could make their favorite food. You could go to a place or an event that you used to enjoy together.
Be ready for some big feelings.
Resist the temptation to flood the holidays with fun to wash away what you’re feeling, but at the same time, know that routines and traditions can help us process and regulate our feelings, and that the intensity of grief won’t last forever, Duke says.
Mary Bridge Children’s offers free grief support groups are available through Bridges Center for Grieving Children. In addition, your primary care provider is a good place to start if your family needs additional help. In the event of a mental health crisis, call 911 or go to an emergency room.
