Editor’s note: At what age a child should be allowed to play outside or walk to parks or other locations alone is a personal question every parent grapples with eventually. Washington state does not have any laws or rules that say at what age a child can be left home alone or allowed to roam. That said, Washington State Department of Children, Youth recommends that children under age 10 should not be left on their own.
Giving kids independence in a society that has all but eliminated it can be daunting. Even parents who understand the need for childhood independence don’t know where to start, according to a report from C. S. Mott Children’s Hospital in Michigan. School, camp, extracurriculars, homework — it may seem like independent play is yet another thing to schedule in our busy lives.
I spoke with a mother who had begun giving her 8-year-old some freedom. She understood the importance, she’d read the research, she was on board. And still, she said, with a face that put a lump in my throat, “It’s just so hard.” Let me do the same for you as I did for her. I put my hand on her shoulder. I looked her right in the eyes. And I said, “It doesn’t have to be so hard.”
Something changes the first time your child comes home safe and sound from an independent adventure. An invisible weight dissipates. A hidden tension subsides. And in its place, not just the absence of fear, but the presence of peace, of pride. If you’re ready to give your child back their childhood, here’s how to start.
Talk to them
Kids love milestones. I recently listened to my son and his friend proudly debate the age they learned how to walk (“I think I was, like six months,” one said).
Just like you would celebrate “graduating” from preschool or riding a bike, introduce independence matter-of-factly as a marker of growing up. Explain it in terms your child will understand. You said your first word at 15 months! You were walking at a year! Congrats, you are old enough to play at the park on your own!
Frame the milestone within family lore.
- “Mommy started riding her bike to school in 3rd grade!”
- “Grammie started riding horses at five years old.”
- “Daddy walked a mile in the snow to the bus stop!”
“Children of all ages love to hear about what their parents and grandparents did when they were younger,” Michaeleen Doucleff writes her book “Hunt, Gather, Parent“. In fact, studies show connecting children with stories of their elders can mitigate anxiety and depression as the child gets older. Two birds, one stone!
However you choose to frame this milestone, celebrate it. You clapped and cried when your baby took their first steps. I guarantee you will clap and probably cry when they come home from their first solo adventure — whatever it is.
Practice makes perfect
Teach independence the same way you’d teach your child anything else: how to swing a bat, how to plant a flower, how to ride a bike.
My children live two blocks from a small city park, so I trained them how to walk to and from it safely. We stood at the edge of the street and talked about how to watch for cars, how to look beyond parked cars, and how to make yourself visible without putting yourself in danger.
Next, I left the park early and told them to leave soon after. As I watched them walk home, hidden like a weirdo behind a bush, I was surprised at how deftly they adapted to my absence. Eventually I sent them by themselves, collecting them the same way my mother did: I bought my daughter a (non-Bluetooth) watch and told her to be home by a certain time.
Talk about their options if something happens. Let them suggest their own ideas.
My kids said they’d ask another adult at the park for help, knock on a neighbor’s door, or send someone home to get a parent. Feel free to stage manage their first few outings a bit. The first time my kids walked to the corner store together, I called ahead to tell the owner — not because I doubted their abilities, but to put the shopkeeper’s mind at ease.
On longer trips, give them an Independent Kid Card, which you can get through the organization Let Grow or just make yourself. It lists my name and phone number and says I know they are on their own. They’ve never needed to use it.
The ultimate reward for independence is independence, but it doesn’t hurt to throw in a little reward. My kids know if they run to the corner store for me they can use the leftover cash for candy. One infamous journey to the bakery netted a slice of chocolate mousse cake. Keep in mind that true childhood independence is not coerced or compelled. Spontaneous rewards or treats (like cake) that are freely chosen as a byproduct of independence are fine. But do not promise a reward; do not keep a sticker chart.
Start small
If you want to introduce independence into your child’s life in stages, here are some ideas.
- Let them wake up without you. You can leave cereal out on the table. You may not be a fan of television, but our lives got infinitely easier when my daughter learned how to turn on Saturday morning cartoons.
- Let them play by themselves in the front yard while you are inside.
- Kids love a mission, so send them to collect items from other parts of the grocery store. Pretend they are spies sent to retrieve a stolen mango!
- Let them wait outside a shop while you do an errand.
- Send them to a neighbor to borrow a cup of sugar. If you don’t need sugar, make something up!
A map helps the author communicate her kids’ “free to roam” zone.
The good stuff
You’ve talked to your child about independence, you’ve sent them to pick out a mango at the grocery store, and they’re ready for more.
- Train them to walk to the closest corner store by themselves. You can call ahead like I did if it makes you feel more comfortable. Let them eat the candy they will inevitably buy.
- Drop them off at the park for 10 minutes and go for a walk. Drop them off at the park for 30 minutes and run an errand. Give them a watch, drop them off at the park, and tell them to be home by a certain hour.
- Let your child walk to school or wait for the bus on their own.
- Let your child bike around your neighborhood on their own.
- Let them arrange their playdates. By the time I was in fourth grade I was meeting friends at “the duck pond,” a little suburban park. At ten, I looked up movie times (in the newspaper!), called my girlfriends, and then asked my mom to drop me off at the movie theatre downtown.
- Print a map of your neighborhood. Outline the boundaries. Everything the light touches is their kingdom.
Building confidence
There will be bumps in the road. Sometimes your kid will come home with a skinned knee (mine did, today). People may question your actions. You may question your own actions!
Again and again research shows us that independent kids are more confident than their sheltered peers. They are less anxious, less prone to depression, and less likely to develop anxiety and depression as they grow up.
Keep your face forward. You are making an investment in their future well-being.
For now, live in the moments of joy that bloom when your child returns home tired and happy, or when it dawns on you that you’ve been reading or working or cooking uninterrupted because your kids are out playing. You’re doing what you should be doing — and so are they.
*This article has been reposted from Medium with permission from the author. This article is an opinion piece (Op-Ed) and reflects the views of the author, not necessarily those of Seattle’s Child. We encourage thoughtful debate and welcome a range of viewpoints. Readers who wish to submit their own Op-Ed for consideration can do so by emailing editor@seattleschild.com.
