As a pediatrician, I talk with parents coping with a child being bullied and parents of children with bullying behaviors. The truth is both are rough. Bullying can have lasting effects on mental and physical health for all of the kids involved. Even though it can be hard to talk about, it’s really important for parents on either side of that fence to identify the behaviors and get involved to stop bullying. Let’s talk about how to recognize and respond to bullying.
Teasing, fighting or bullying?
Bullying is different than one-off teasing, sibling conflict or fighting. Bullying is acting in ways that purposely scare or harm another person. Kids who bully usually pick on someone who is weaker or more alone, and they repeat the actions over and over. Bullying can happen at school, on the bus, in the neighborhood, by text, or online. Using technology to bully is called cyberbullying. (See my tips about online safety here.)
Bullying can include acts of physical violence like hitting, shoving or tripping; emotional acts that might include making fun of the way a child acts, looks or talks;or social acts like excluding kids from activities, starting rumors or sending hurtful messages or pictures in texts, emails or online.
If you think your child is being bullied — or is bullying someone else — take action to stop the abuse.
Is my child doing the bullying?
Talking about or admitting that your child is engaging in bullying behavior is tough. But kids who bully can and do change their behavior. Research shows that when adults respond quickly and consistently to bullying behavior, it can stop over time.
Bullies often learn the behaviors at home or are being bullied by someone else (either family or peers). They often become socially isolated which can lead to depression, anxiety and lower academic performance. They may also be using bullying behavior as a means to get attention to address their own mental health and social needs.
Clues that your child might be engaging in bullying behavior include:
- Becoming angry or violent with others easily.
- Getting into fights or trouble at school.
- Blaming others for their bad behavior.
- Acting defensive or secretive about social media.
- Obsessing over popularity, winning or their reputation.
- Showing up with things that don’t belong to them.
What parents can do
If you suspect your child is engaging in bullying behavior, take a deep breath and take it seriously. Set boundaries and teach skills that will help them move toward kinder, more appropriate behavior:
- Set clear, consistent boundaries. Bullying is never acceptable. Make sure your child understands this and that you love them, but that they need new ways to confront and challenge destructive thoughts.
- Model respectful communication. Talk with them compassionately with questions like: “I noticed you’ve had conflicts with others. What’s going on?” Show them how to get what they want or need without harming others.
- Teach empathy and social skills. Explain to your child how their behavior hurt another child and teach them empathy. You can role-play, read stories with moral dilemmas and identify positive coping mechanisms they can use when frustrated or upset.
Is my child being bullied?
Your child might not tell you or even recognize that they are being bullied. It’s often up to adults to identify and respond quickly and consistently to bullying behavior. Some signs that point to bullying include:
- Having physical injuries like cuts or bruises.
- Sleeping poorly and developing frequent headaches.
- Crying frequently or acting differently.
- Grades that are suddenly lower.
- Avoiding people or places they normally like.
- Losing interest in school or other preferred activities.
- Withdrawing from social engagements or social media.
- Bullying others. Some children respond to being bullied by feeling anxious and aggressive.
- “Losing” personal items like clothing or electronics.
Kids can hold back feelings or worry about judgement, so if you suspect bullying, listen and ask questions like “How are things going at school?” or “What do you think of the other kids in your class?”
It’s important to intervene immediately. Don’t wait to see how things play out. Bullying is not a conflict between people with equal power. A child being bullied needs help to resolve the conflict.
