Parenting is a wild, wonderful and sometimes crazymaking ride. Letās take a moment to talk about temper tantrums ā or when our children go from calm to tornado.
First, itās normal, challenging and we have all been there. Parents get a special badge for patience with tantrums (and some grace for when we lose our patience). Ā But why do they happen? Temper tantrums are usually a result of feelings that our children just havenāt learned to express. Understanding whatās happening and some care can help you both get through it.
The whats and whys of temper tantrums
Tantrums can look different in different children, but what they have in common is that they are emotional outbursts. Some children cry, scream or kick, while others may hold their breath. Itās a difficult phase when you are in the middle of it, but remember that tantrums are common for children 1 to 3 years old. Older children may also have occasional tantrums.
When a child doesnāt know how to express their needs or wants or has big feelings like fear, shame or anger, it can feel confusing and frustrating. They are still learning to communicate, and their social, emotional and language skills arenāt always up to the task.
What to do with a temper tantrum
When your kid goes from adorable to screams in 30 seconds because they canāt have the sandwich they want or, say, they just noticed their shirt is green, it causes some emotional whiplash for parents too. Your mission is to weather the storm calmly and safely for both of you. Once it is triggered, you might not be able to stop a tantrum, but you can:
- Stay calm: Children react to your reaction. A composed response can help de-escalate the situation and model calm behavior.
- Make sure they are safe: While it can be embarrassing, if your child has a tantrum on a busy sidewalk, the most important thing is: Are they safe? Move to a safe space. Keep them from traffic and other harm. Staying right where you are, even if itās disturbing others, might be the safest thing at that moment.
- Acknowledge their needs: Calmly acknowledge what they are feeling, without trying to reason with them ā they arenāt in a headspace to reason right now! Let them know you see they are upset and that they have needs. Avoid giving them special attention or giving in to demands. Giving in can reward the tantrum or teach them to rely on crying and screaming to get what they want.
- Comfort them after the tantrum: Once they have calmed down, reassure your child that they are safe, and you are still there with them. It can help if you discuss the tantrum or the feelings, but discussions may depend on your child and their temperament. Comfort yourself a little too; take a deep breath.
Can you avoid tantrums?
Maybe. Most kids have some meltdowns and tantrums during early years. If you learn to look for the signs, you may be able to avert a tantrum. But if one erupts, try to remember itās a normal part of child development. A few things that might help avoid tantrums:
- Offer your child choices: Control over small decisions, like picking a snack, helps them learn to make decisions and gives children a sense of control.
- Identify situations that set it off: Stress, hunger, tiredness and overstimulation can all lead to tantrums. Tantrums often happen in repeated, predictable situations like when doing homework or at bedtime, so think about how you can manage your routine at those times to address the feelings that come up.
- Talk about feelings: Help your child label feelings and explore them. Itās harder to cope with those big feelings when you donāt understand what they are and that everyone has them.
Will they grow out of it?
As children grow up and develop better communication and self-regulation skills, tantrums generally become less frequent. But every child is different, and they may come and go. For some children with additional needs, such as autism, tantrums may be more frequent or severe and professional advice can help you manage them.
Tantrums are normal, but if your child starts having more intense, frequent or longer tantrums, or harms themselves or others during tantrums, talk to your provider.
Tantrums are really stressful for parents too. Give yourself a little applause for dealing with them! If you do feel out of control, unreasonably angry or are having serious stress because of your childās tantrums, seek help for yourself as well.
More from Dr. Block and Kaiser Permanente in Seattle’s Child: