Valentine’s Day celebrates our connections, but it’s a tough time for some people, including kids who feel disconnected or alone. Loneliness affects all of us from time to time, but we’re seeing a big increase in feelings of loneliness and isolation in children (and in adults).
Social connections and strong relationships actually make us healthier, so let’s talk about what loneliness looks like and how we can help.
The epidemic of loneliness is having a big enough impact that the U.S. surgeon general recently made a statement about the importance of relationships and having a purpose. Feeling lonely and isolated increases chances of depression and anxiety among children and teens, and it can impact school success and overall health.
What’s the cure for a lonely heart? It’s not the quantity of social interaction and connection we have, but the quality that makes the difference in loneliness. Nurturing relationships, fulfilling friendships and connections to people like teachers, relatives and mentors all help children feel connected and less alone.
Kids and loneliness: the signs
First off, I encourage you simply ask your child how they are feeling and how their friendships and social life are. They might share feelings of loneliness or mention they have no one to sit with at school. You can also check in with your child if you see changes in behavior or signs of isolation like:
- Spending a lot of time alone (and this isn’t their usual MO)
- Avoiding talking about their friends or spending less time with them
- Seeming quiet, withdrawn or sad without a clear reason
- Spending a lot of time on social media but not interacting with friends
- Seeming clingy (in younger kids) or retreating (in older youth)
- Showing lots of attention-seeking behavior
Also from Dr. Block: How parents can help kids navigate friendships
What causes loneliness?
The same events or circumstances won’t make every child feel lonely. What provokes feelings of loneliness is very individual. Sometimes just not liking the same things as your peers or developing at a different rate than others can make kids feel lonely, while for some kids, those things feel just fine. Big life events or shifts in social environment are common reasons to feel lonely, for example:
- Life events such as divorce, an older sibling leaving home or changing schools
- Ending a relationship or a fight with friends
- Being bullied or harassed
- Being single when your friends are paired up
- Feeling different from those around you, like you don’t fit in or that no one gets you
Social media’s impact on kids and loneliness
Social media and technology do connect us in some ways but can take a deep toll on the quality of our personal interactions and on self-esteem. Research showed that participants who used social media for two or more hours a day had about double the chance of experiencing feelings of isolation. Time on social media can also come with online harassment and bullying, which can increase both isolation and loneliness.
Also from Dr. Block: What to know about online bullying, cyberthreats, etc.
To reduce the harm of social media and screen time, consider having screen-free times, delaying the age your children join social media and being mindful of how often you are on your own screens.
Kids and loneliness: How parents can help
Putting time into your own relationship with your children models good, loneliness-busting behavior and builds your children’s own healthy relationship and friendship skills. You can also:
- Just spend time together, strengthening the love and connection that children need.
- Encourage a variety of relationships. Children and teens can get connection and support lots of ways – from aunts and uncles, friends, coaches and mentors.
- Set aside screen-free time to interact in person, without both your and their phones or screens.
- Get children involved in activities that widen their social connections like sports, extracurriculars and volunteering
- Talk about it. Ask your kids if they are feeling lonely and give them space to share what is going on.
When talking about how to end the epidemic of loneliness, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy may have said it best: “We can choose, in short, to take the core values that make us strong—love, kindness, respect, service, and commitment to one another—and reflect them in the world we build for ourselves and our children.”
